Rebuilding after Divorce: When You’re the Victim

I’m going to tell you two stories. See which one you think is true. Here’s the first one:

In 2012 I went on a first date, and within 11 months we were married. I was absolutely joyful about my second husband and our new life.

But, about six months later, he told me I was destroying the marriage. So we started going to a marriage counselor. To say this counselor sucked would be an understatement. He’d been my husband’s counselor — then became our marriage counselor. Being in sessions was like watching a bromance between the two of them. Although he wasn’t an addiction counselor, he told my husband he wasn’t an alcoholic.

My husband was an alcoholic. And after a while, I started going to Al Anon meetings because his drinking consumed me. Checking the recycling bin for empty bottles was no way to live. In fact, I was at an Al Anon meeting the night he left me.

It was December of 2014. The marriage was in the toilet. I was in a tizzy because of his drinking, his jealousy, and his insecurity. He was in a tizzy because I wouldn’t do things his way. He hated that I liked Facebook posts written by an ex-boyfriend. He thought the pics I had taken with famous country singers were inappropriate, aka, “celebrity humping.” And when he was out-of-town, he’d question my whereabouts and who I was with.

Not “celebrity humping” Florida Georgia Line

Accidental celebrity humping, sorry Kimberly (Little Big Town)

So back to that night in December. He’d gotten home from a work trip and I’d come home from an Al Anon meeting. When I walked in the door, he said he was leaving. For good.

Over the next few months, he sent me horrid texts and emails about what a disrespectful wife I was. After lots of emotional abuse, I unfriended him on Facebook. He responded by sending a text that said “sell the house.”

Shit hit the fan.

Believe it or not, my last day at work was the day he left. Months prior, we’d decided I’d go back to freelance copywriting. That didn’t happen. I couldn’t create a new business while in such turmoil. So I took a really low-paying job. All at once, I lost my marriage, my house, and had no job.

I spent 2015 crying.

I vividly remember the gut-wrenching day I came home to find a ReMax sign in my front yard. I was distraught. I’d been in that house for 11 years. It was the family home. I raised my kids there. My first husband and I worked hard to keep the kids in that house. And now it was lost. I was inconsolable when I had to get rid of 2/3 of my stuff because I was moving into a very small townhouse. Watching my 20-year old Christmas tree, Halloween decorations, and houseplants walk out the door made me sick.

It took me at about a year to start readjusting. I was in a different house that needed a lot of work and I was doing a new and unfamiliar job. I was in the middle of a divorce with lots of my money involved and was feeling massive financial scarcity. And I was in intense therapy because I couldn’t believe what was happening to me. I could not believe that a person who said he loved me so much could do and say the things he did. I was diagnosed with PTSD and joined two divorce support groups.

Then the shit hit the fan, again.

A few years after he left, I found out my he’d been cheating on me. With his ex-fiance. Apparently, when he said he was headed to the airport for a work trip, he was. But he failed to mention that he’d sometimes stop off at her place for a little bang bang.

He had loads of suspicions and opinions about how I should interact with men — while all along he was the guilty one.

How could I ever trust again? I was in a new relationship when I found out. So I started wondering, “How can I trust my new beau? Why would I? Men are cheating liars.” So the first few years of my current relationship were often rocky. I got triggered all the time….

Ok. That’s the first story. Here’s the other one.

In 2012 I met a guy on an online dating site and thought he was just fantastic. It all happened pretty fast, and within 11 months we were married. The wedding and the reception were so much fun. I was excited for the future.

Six months in, he was upset about a blog I’d written about a past heartbreak and my heart attack. So we went to counseling. I think that counselor did his best to try to help. I don’t think it helped much, but I’m glad we at least tried.

There were so many great things about my ex. He was great at his job — he’d fly around the world and run 2-day workshops. He was great at getting up in front of a new and often foreign crowd and making them feel at ease while teaching. He was fun to be around and could make friends easily. And what a great traveler! In England, he’d drive a stick shift on the wrong side of the road while sitting on the wrong side of the car. He was great to travel with and I got to visit Europe three times. He was also a great cook. If the kids or I wanted something special for dinner he would do the shopping and make it. He also tried to teach me how to drive a stick shift. That was funny.

On the not so great side, I believed my husband was an alcoholic. I was often upset about it and went to Al Anon meetings.

Looking back, I realize his alcoholism was only a problem for me. He was totally functional with his job and daily life. I don’t think he thought it was something to worry about — or maybe my constant nagging led him to think about something he was trying to avoid. Having a naggy wife was surely no fun for him. My only task was to love him the way he was. Drinking, or not drinking, was his decision to make.

I think the reasons he drank were the real problem. My guess is that he felt insecure, unworthy, or something else. And that, not the alcoholism, led to our divorce.

Our divorce was a very rough time in my life, and I’m guessing it was rough for him too. They say our actions reflect how we feel. So maybe he was acting that way because he had lots of demons to deal with. I guess I’ll never really know.

Also, I realize I was not the victim. I made the decision to let the marriage end after he sent me a certain text. I didn’t beg to get him back or allow myself to continue living the way we were. The consequence of my decision was the house had to be sold. My decision, my consequence.

And I was so blessed to have a very helpful first ex-husband and the best friends around. That time is just a blur — but the friends I made that year are still some of my best. And I’m so grateful that my new beau stuck around through all of my PTSD freak-outs. I am learning to fully trust myself and men again.

So now I do my best to think loving and compassionate thoughts of my second ex-husband. I would much rather love him than hate him. Being the victim of him certainly doesn’t help me at all.

So those were the two stories. Which do you think is true?

You’re right if you think they both are. The question is, which one do I want to keep telling — and why?

Retelling the first story made me feel horrible. I hated putting together a list of bad things about another person. I didn’t like recreating a villain. I was in a powerless position at the effect of him.

I like the second version much better. It feels much more like who I want to be. I would much rather be loving, understanding, and compassionate.

So, where in your life are you telling a story where you’re the victim? There are many facts and thoughts from your life. How can you put them together and tell the story and be your own hero?

Dawn Ziegerer is a coach who works with women over 40 who want to trust their partner. You can schedule a free introductory coaching session at https://TheRebuildingCoach.as.me/